Hell-av-a-Monday

I feel stupid, frustrated, disappointed and depressed today. I can hear The Cranberries sing in my head, asking me ‘do you have to let it linger?

I don’t want to, but it just won’t go away either…

First Event

I went back to BIR South to follow up on our Authority to Print, with Form 1906 on my hand. I was more hopeful that everything’s gonna be okay because I was referred to a ‘better’ person (that handles) updates regarding pending ATPs – who is Ms. May. Only to be told that the received stamp was not from their office but from the other district’s branch.

More simply, our printer gave the application form to the wrong branch.

ATP BIR

Biogesic please!

Now angry and frustrated, I went back to Roedils Printing to report to them what I was told. I should’ve known they were disorganized when they had a hard time finding our Form 1909. This time, they said they would prioritize us with their next batch of follow ups with the BIR. I asked them where should I follow up next? Took a while before anyone from the 4 printing press staff could respond that they would update me later around 5:00 pm (which didn’t happen).

Second Event

I was supposed to cross off 3 items on my to-do list: 1) withdraw additional petty cash 2) pay our water bill 3) get a haircut. I was only able to accomplish 1.

Because I felt bad already, I was thinking twice whether I’d give myself a break and go to SM to do everything there. But because I was so fickle-minded, I took a jeep going to the main MCWD branch to pay there. I didn’t even know I lack enough cash, but I retreated upon seeing that it was so crowded inside. I opted to go to E-mall instead.

Cebu Jeepneys

Braving the commute and losing my way…

I hailed a jeep and asked if it would go by E-mall. Speaking in Bisaya, they said no, but would drive by the coliseum. Thinking that they were being sarcastic, I ignored them, but hopped in anyway. I was thinking it would go around anyway and I could just hop off and walk. But it didn’t drop by the Coliseum, and I noticed that we were already on the N. Bacalso highway.

Goodbye haircut.

Third Event

Trying to brush off my stupidity and my misfortune, I was thinking to pay the bill at the nearby bank when I get off on the way to our apartment. I was able to withdraw money from the ATM and was about to enter the bank when I was stopped by the security guard.

Oras

Tumatakbo ang oras naiiwan na ako…

Turns out water bill payments are only until 2:00 pm. I didn’t notice that it was already 3:00 pm. I was still feeling rebellious and I wanted to accomplish more today, so I stood by the roadside, waiting for a jeep to drive by…

I could still pay the bill. I could still get a haircut. I might lift my mood for even a little.

On Second Thought

After I few seconds though… I just walked back home.

Olive is alone with her yaya. I have a deadline to meet tomorrow. I have collections to follow up. I can’t manage to smile or even look at myself in the mirror. I feel dirty from the smoke and dust particles. I feel like an old haggard mom.

And I found myself irrevocably sad.

What Happened?

Why am I sad? Why am I down again? Can’t the happiness factors outnumber the bad things that happened today? Maybe… But my mind is just too clouded to look at the silver linings.

I felt stupid for not being fully literate with this third language. I found my confidence lost because I can’t engage in a full conversation with other people. I lose my way around. I’m like a handicapped person. I wasn’t like this since elementary and high school…

That’s sad, right?

And then I wanted to attend to myself. Because I feel old and unkept. Because I was told that I looked pregnant even if I’m not. Because I didn’t have the freedom and the time I used to have when I was single. Because I can’t go out anytime I want when my husband is working and there’s a baby, a business and a freelance job to look after.

But then, if I want to go out, I’m just by myself – no besties, no friends to talk to – about movies, how our friends are all getting married and having kids, the latest hook-ups in our social circle, where to find a good hairstylist, how was traveling to this country like?

I think I’m going mental…

Even an introvert needs a bit of socializing.

First Aid

So what’s a quick remedy?

I was thinking of Jollibee Flip Float, but its gonna make me more fat. Running? Too early, and it looked like it would rain anytime. I have calls and emails to check. Coffee and chocolate mix – too much caffeine, I might go Parkinsons mode again.

Instead, I rushed to check my Facebook and read the news. Flooding has reached Cavite, and it got me worried some part of our house would break. So I checked on my folks to see if they were alright. My dad called and I learned that the wall at the National Power Grid (which was near our residence) gave in from the the flood and caused damage to the main road and a portion of a huge house nearby. Work was cancelled at the city hall. And the weather was just chilly. Gosh I miss home!

Typhoon Maring + Habagat

Water world ang peg ng Cavite ngayon…

I received mail from a satisfied client. I’m happy that it was worth not sleeping for.

Lastly, I took everything in here. Without this blog, I’d probably be in an asylum now or ran off elsewhere (to mini-vacation on impulse). Its like I’m having a monologue. Unsure if anyone would read, understand or respond. But at least I have a blank page to talk to.

I do not regret living here and having a family, the business and all. Its just that it sucks when you don’t have a social circle and you have a language barrier to break. Maybe its also my fault because I’m not the type to easily make friends with anyone. I often stick to my wolf pack and meet new friends from there. But they’re just beyond my reach right now…

You know that feeling when you miss going out with your bunch – drink, sing at the videoke and talk about stories you’ve talked about infinitely? You wanna catch up with their lives and yours, get advice and share some insight. Girl talk! Bitch out, rant and throw fits for fun or nothing at all. Spend time with people who share the same favorite TV series, books, places, foods… It hasn’t happened for years now. And maybe I’m at my social need limit.

If I was a character in The Sims (yes the game & my favorite one), I’d probably be the depressed one, the one crying helplessly, or the one who fails to wake up and prefer to stay dreaming. (Or later on begin to see aliens and ghosts as well, lolz)

Depressed Sim

Depressed character in The Sims game

And how do you satisfy that virtual need? The character calls up friends to chat, invites them over or they go out.

That’s in virtual reality.

But I think, right now, it essentially holds true in real life.

On the last note, I actually feel better after writing out everything.

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A lambasting to the Catholic Church’s propaganda against RH Bill

Today Mr. H & I went to hear the mass. Its a humid afternoon and I’m constipated, but we went as devotion to thank God for the blessings of the past week. We were, after all, spared from the disaster brought by heavy rains in the northern part of the country. Our trainee and helper also arrived, giving us an extra hand and allowing me to break my weekly oDesk working hours recorded, doubling this week’s earnings. We also won a fairly huge bid from one of our clients and my UTI is cleared (for now). There’s much to be thankful about!

Cebu is cradle of Christianity in the Philippines. Home of Sto. Niño, the Sinulog Festival and strict Catholic church values. We were just in time for the priest’s sermon. I was remember one of the Bible verses we were able to study back in high school. It was when Jesus summarized all of the commandments into two – 1) to love the Lord our God, with all our hearts and mind, and 2) love your neighbor as yourself (Mark 12:30 & 31). The mass was delivered in Cebuano and I’m quite amazed that I could somehow follow with what he’s preaching. However, I was lost in a sea of confusion when everything led to the issue of RH Bill.

The Reproductive Health Bill has been a source of controversy and debate amongst politicians and the Catholic Church. President Aquino was so vocal in promoting the bill that he got his fare share of criticism, as well as those senators and congressmen who were the main proponents. In an overpopulated country composed of a majority of poverty-stricken families who depend on the Conditional Cash Transfer Program of the government, PNoy saw it as THE solution which would cause the vital turning point of our society like those among our neighboring countries. In fact the UN says that the Philippine’s economic progress would be hindered if this wouldn’t be made into a law. I’m not a PNoy fan but I commend his effort in promoting this despite the bullying of the church. (Well, until his SONA wherein he referred to it more modestly as RESPONSIBLE PARENTHOOD BILL. But, whatever!)

BULLYING! Yes! Numerous heads of the church have been vocal about opposing the bill, saying it hinders the right to life. They have this interpretation that abortion would be legal and thousands of children would be put to death even before they’re conceived. Everyone has a right to life they say. This is biblical they furthermore emphasize. More precisely, the priest even mentioned during the mass that it is WRONG TO TRUST THE CONDOM rather than to TRUST GOD. I know I was in church but I couldn’t help but utter some negative thoughts in my head. (Forgive me Lord).

I am disgusted at the negative notion they made of contraceptive options offered by obstetricians and family doctors. That these pills and devices are unsafe. I shake my head. I bet there are church attendees on their pills and IUDs. True there are risks, but that’s why there are also options. Its up to the couple to choose where they would be most comfortable with. Then there was the doubt of politicians making profit out of the funds to be allotted in the program. There would always be shadows like that. But if we wouldn’t start now, when are we going to place a belt on our hungry populace?

I think every mother in the congregation knows the hardship of raising a child. Anyone who came from a large family of 4 to 12 siblings know the challenges. I am even more disgusted at the mention of a text message (probably forwarded from priest to priest) wherein they warned that last week’s calamity was God’s way of punishing PNoy, even referring to the sins of the people which pushed God to cleanse the world through the flood. Even Pro-RH Bill Catholics weren’t spared. How discriminating after preaching to Love your Neighbors as yourself. I can’t stand to listen any further. Everything else that followed were lambasting of senators and politicians who were vocal on supporting the bill. This isn’t about Love the Lord your God and Love your neighbors. I was expecting that they would be expounding more on that. For the longest time, I think I missed our high school bible studies and the 2-hour Sunday service of the protestant church.

One of the many Pro and Anti RH Bill poster floating around Facebook.

…I don’t know if all the bishops and the priests met together and discussed to have this on agenda this Sunday’s Mass on all churches in the country. But I’m not buying it. I may share the same faith with Jesus but I am entitled to my own civil beliefs. I wouldn’t blame August 7th’s flood to PNoy and spread this chilling prophetical coincidence over the trauma suffered by our fellowmen. In scientific terms its the Law of Cause and Effect. An overpopulated community just happened to occupy and illegally settle along the waterways of Luzon, threw garbage and made obstructions. Collectively over decades, this disaster is going to happen. And it will continue to happen if we wouldn’t decide on a solution. Come to think of it, where was the voice (and funds) of the Catholic Church when all of the flooding happened?

Now there’s this what we call the separation of the Church and the State mentioned in our Basic Philippine Constitution class. Lawmakers shouldn’t bother with the Catholic church, but I’m seeing this manipulation over the Catholic congregation that they’re trying to impose. We are even requested to utter a prayer against RH bill before the mass officially ends. I JUST CAN’T PRAY AGAINST IT!

In the end, these priests and Catholic minions are stressing that THE 2013 ELECTIONS is near and they have power to influence over people’s votes. I beg to disagree though. The Catholic vote will always be diverse. Only INC maintains a solid opinion in electing leaders. So for those congressmen and senators who’re going in circles and letting themselves be bullied by the church – I’M PRAYING THAT AS GOD FEARING INDIVIDUALS, YOU VOTE FOR THE BENEFIT OF YOUR CONSTITUENTS. Those who are suffering from ignorance of choices in proper family planning, safe sex and unexpected pregnancies. As leaders of our country, know that the only victims of the failure to pass this bill would be the children born out of this illiteracy. Unplanned, unwanted or unexpected children born again and again to live regretful misery of poverty and hunger.

A whole new world.

Facebook Status – Monday, July 9, 2012

seven months after, i feel as if i’m totally a different person in different place. all the stress, hate and angst are part of a history that only made me see things in a larger perspective. and its a whole new world!

Could not have felt how time flew by so fast…

My last WP entry was May. And by then there were so many interesting turn of events I wanted to write about. In fact I have my list:

  1. 20 Reasons why I love Cebusprung after an American Expat was criticized for hosting a controversial video; I was also intending this to be a comparison of Cebu-Manila and Cavite in terms of implementing social order, traffic management, politics, affordability of commodities and lifestyles.
  2. 20 Reasons why I hate Cebu – inspired to be, well, an express of support to that American Expat who spoke what’s grossly true about our state.
  3. Promoting slavery in the corporate worldafter how I found out that one of the companies I applied for had pending labor lawsuits and how we should fight for what we deserve in this business called life.
  4. A trip to Cebu City Hall – noting how a city hall should look like a city hall and how happy I was from the Cebu City Government’s public service. No irate government employee encountered!
  5. Things I miss from Dasma – mainly the food, some family culture and just being home

In the past months, we followed the historic impeachment of the Chief Justice of the Philippines, watched Mon Tulfo beaten to a pulp by the Santiago gang, how Pacman was ROBBED of his title, got elated and then bored at how ABS-CBN is prolonging Walang Hanggan, missed the ASPIN Day held at Plaza Independencia. I mentally took note of details, saved pictures and planned at how I’ll make time each day to write about everything.

Then came a surprise for me and Mr. H. We found ourselves pregnant with our first baby! And yes, I’m on my third month as of this writing.

TVU Scan

I wouldn’t want to blame it on the baby, but the morning sickness and a multitude of pregnancy ‘norms’ I’m experiencing until now, kept me from working comfortably time. Its not an excuse that I sleep longer and more frequent than usual. I feel tired if I can’t. The horrible moments of puking and loss of appetite almost drove me nuts. Thank God I have such generous in-laws who send us supplies of fresh fish, vegetables and tasty lechon!

But the ultimate gift is having a husband who’s dedicated in supporting me all throughout the cravings, left-overs, running errands on a whim, cooking and washing the dishes especially when I detest the smell of food around. I could not have been more happy that I’m married. ^_^

It must be really God’s fate on how we’re keeping up with our lives…

Our pregnancy is an added toll at how we’re still establishing our business. We have larger bills to pay with the company’s overhead costs, my prenatal care, lab tests, vitamins and supplements. We’ve been quite frantic when we’re busy, double so when we’re not having sales. I’m still working as a freelance graphics designer while my pregnancy hormones are keeping everything in my physique unstable.

In spite of these, we still have time to watch Prime Time Kapamilya (lolx), splurge gastronomically on our wedding monthsary, watch downloaded movies before bedtime, fool around in bed and laugh at the silly things we notice from each other. And no, we’re not taking life as a joke. In fact, we’re looking forward to the birth of our baby. We have this virtual procurement plan for him/her through improvements with our business combined with my freelance earnings. We’re excited to show him/her off to family and friends and welcome him home.

Its really a whole new world, and I could not have imagined surviving if life wasn’t miraculously setup this way now. The rush of temper is often controlled now. In fact, I haven’t been agitated for quite a while – everything seemed forgiveable. Although I do miss nagging at some delinquent people at times, everything seemed so in the past.

And next month, we’re going to revisit that place, not to recollect history, but GORGE. YES GORGE IN FOOD! I’m so craving for home-made food back home!