Hell-av-a-Monday

I feel stupid, frustrated, disappointed and depressed today. I can hear The Cranberries sing in my head, asking me ‘do you have to let it linger?’

I don’t want to, but it just won’t go away either…

First Event

I went back to BIR South to follow up on our Authority to Print, with Form 1906 on my hand. I was more hopeful that everything’s gonna be okay because I was referred to a ‘better’ person (that handles) updates regarding pending ATPs – who is Ms. May. Only to be told that the received stamp was not from their office but from the other district’s branch.

More simply, our printer gave the application form to the wrong branch.

Biogesic please!

Now angry and frustrated, I went back to Roedils Printing to report to them what I was told. I should’ve known they were disorganized when they had a hard time finding our Form 1909. This time, they said they would prioritize us with their next batch of follow ups with the BIR. I asked them where should I follow up next? Took a while before anyone from the 4 printing press staff could respond that they would update me later around 5:00 pm (which didn’t happen).

Second Event

I was supposed to cross off 3 items on my to-do list: 1) withdraw additional petty cash 2) pay our water bill 3) get a haircut. I was only able to accomplish 1.

Because I felt bad already, I was thinking twice whether I’d give myself a break and go to SM to do everything there. But because I was so fickle-minded, I took a jeep going to the main MCWD branch to pay there. I didn’t even know I lack enough cash, but I retreated upon seeing that it was so crowded inside. I opted to go to E-mall instead.

Braving the commute and losing my way…

I hailed a jeep and asked if it would go by E-mall. Speaking in Bisaya, they said no, but would drive by the coliseum. Thinking that they were being sarcastic, I ignored them, but hopped in anyway. I was thinking it would go around anyway and I could just hop off and walk. But it didn’t drop by the Coliseum, and I noticed that we were already on the N. Bacalso highway.

Goodbye haircut.

Third Event

Trying to brush off my stupidity and my misfortune, I was thinking to pay the bill at the nearby bank when I get off on the way to our apartment. I was able to withdraw money from the ATM and was about to enter the bank when I was stopped by the security guard.

Tumatakbo ang oras naiiwan na ako…

Turns out water bill payments are only until 2:00 pm. I didn’t notice that it was already 3:00 pm. I was still feeling rebellious and I wanted to accomplish more today, so I stood by the roadside, waiting for a jeep to drive by…

I could still pay the bill. I could still get a haircut. I might lift my mood for even a little.

On Second Thought

After I few seconds though… I just walked back home.

Olive is alone with her yaya. I have a deadline to meet tomorrow. I have collections to follow up. I can’t manage to smile or even look at myself in the mirror. I feel dirty from the smoke and dust particles. I feel like an old haggard mom.

And I found myself irrevocably sad.

What Happened?

Why am I sad? Why am I down again? Can’t the happiness factors outnumber the bad things that happened today? Maybe… But my mind is just too clouded to look at the silver linings.

I felt stupid for not being fully literate with this third language. I found my confidence lost because I can’t engage in a full conversation with other people. I lose my way around. I’m like a handicapped person. I wasn’t like this since elementary and high school…

That’s sad, right?

And then I wanted to attend to myself. Because I feel old and unkept. Because I was told that I looked pregnant even if I’m not. Because I didn’t have the freedom and the time I used to have when I was single. Because I can’t go out anytime I want when my husband is working and there’s a baby, a business and a freelance job to look after.

But then, if I want to go out, I’m just by myself – no besties, no friends to talk to – about movies, how our friends are all getting married and having kids, the latest hook-ups in our social circle, where to find a good hairstylist, how was traveling to this country like?

I think I’m going mental…

Even an introvert needs a bit of socializing.

First Aid

So what’s a quick remedy?

I was thinking of Jollibee Flip Float, but its gonna make me more fat. Running? Too early, and it looked like it would rain anytime. I have calls and emails to check. Coffee and chocolate mix – too much caffeine, I might go Parkinsons mode again.

Instead, I rushed to check my Facebook and read the news. Flooding has reached Cavite, and it got me worried some part of our house would break. So I checked on my folks to see if they were alright. My dad called and I learned that the wall at the National Power Grid (which was near our residence) gave in from the the flood and caused damage to the main road and a portion of a huge house nearby. Work was cancelled at the city hall. And the weather was just chilly. Gosh I miss home!

Water world ang peg ng Cavite ngayon…

I received mail from a satisfied client. I’m happy that it was worth not sleeping for.

Lastly, I took everything in here. Without this blog, I’d probably be in an asylum now or ran off elsewhere (to mini-vacation on impulse). Its like I’m having a monologue. Unsure if anyone would read, understand or respond. But at least I have a blank page to talk to.

I do not regret living here and having a family, the business and all. Its just that it sucks when you don’t have a social circle and you have a language barrier to break. Maybe its also my fault because I’m not the type to easily make friends with anyone. I often stick to my wolf pack and meet new friends from there. But they’re just beyond my reach right now…

You know that feeling when you miss going out with your bunch – drink, sing at the videoke and talk about stories you’ve talked about infinitely? You wanna catch up with their lives and yours, get advice and share some insight. Girl talk! Bitch out, rant and throw fits for fun or nothing at all. Spend time with people who share the same favorite TV series, books, places, foods… It hasn’t happened for years now. And maybe I’m at my social need limit.

If I was a character in The Sims (yes the game & my favorite one), I’d probably be the depressed one, the one crying helplessly, or the one who fails to wake up and prefer to stay dreaming. (Or later on begin to see aliens and ghosts as well, lolz)

Depressed character in The Sims game

And how do you satisfy that virtual need? The character calls up friends to chat, invites them over or they go out.

That’s in virtual reality.

But I think, right now, it essentially holds true in real life.

On the last note, I actually feel better after writing out everything.

On a home run

I’m on a homerun! Finally on my 8^th month. Still friggin’ summer-like in here. The only things that make me feel like Christmas is near are the Christmas decorations my husband hanged in our office and living room, the Christmas lights we light up at night and the old-fashioned foil parols – very reminiscent of those my tita used to hang back in Cavite. Mr. H probably caught me tearjerking while tapping a blog entry. A little bit sobbing coz I’m homesick and I haven’t been getting enough sleep for the past few weeks.

I must’ve possibly ranted so much about the things I hated here. How crowing roosters mess up my sleep, neighbors’ squealing voices, the gross habit of construction workers spitting everywhere, how I developed and still have dust allergy and the rust/bits of soil our improvised filter has gathered in the bathroom (meaning the apartment pipes aren’t safe healthwise)… I must’ve been lucky to have married someone who hasn’t told me (YET) that I’m such a nagger. But thinking about it, right now, we really don’t have a choice. Moving to another apartment is so unlikely since I’m about to give birth in a few months time. We wouldn’t have been able to save something for my delivery if we hadn’t stayed here. Having people to split the rent really helps minimize our expenses.

Looking back, I couldn’t imagine how I’ve gotten through 7 months of seemingly endless complaints (about not feeling good, dying from heat and wanting to find another place to live). But maybe, most probably its because…

My husband loves me. That’s the first thing in my mind and my heart when I think about everything I’ve been complaining about. Another guy would’ve fought or debated with me, dared me to go home, worse – left me for an unopinionated woman. When I think about the jobs we get that require him to work on graveyard shift for several consecutive days and he doesn’t complain, I know he’s doing it for us. He LISTENS, and he knows we both yearn to live more comfortably than we do right now, especially when our baby arrives. I’m also lucky that I get to visit my doctor with him as company when most women line up at the clinic by themselves or with their girlfriends.

I’ve got supportive in-laws. Again, a second stroke of luck! My in-laws are ecstatic to have another baby in the family. We’re often sent fresh catches of fish, crabs, even beef – which are considerably more expensive when bought here in the city. I’m really thankful of their generosity!

We got a helping hand. Since we started running the business, I could barely juggle freelance design, office work and doing the house chores. Have to wake up early and cook, take calls, process paper works, do freelance design and cook again in between. Being pregnant made it worse. Its like working 3-jobs while you’re sick. We finally had someone to help us around with through our in-house worker/technical staff. He was my mother-in-law’s scholar back in the province and he lived at Mama’s house as a runner for errands. It was a great relief for Mr. H and I. At least we’re able to rest on weekends again.

I work at home. I might’ve decided to resign if I were employed in another company. It’s really terrible when morning sickness strikes, the heat when commuting and my UTI attacks. At least I’ve got the bedroom upstairs when sleepiness attacks. I could run to the bathroom when I need to pee. I could wake up whenever I want, especially when I couldn’t sleep straight in the wee hours of the morning. Best of all, I could take a bath twice or even thrice a day!

I’m such a spendthrift. When I’m about to reach my limit, when that string of patience is about to break and even when my tears are brimming and I want to rush back home to Cavite – I always do the math. Traveling there and the cost of hospitalization (in case something bad happens while on the plane or land travel) aren’t priority expenses. If I stay in Cavite, I’d be obliged to contribute to food and utility expenses, which are more expensive. I’d be very much tempted to splurge on food, clothing and land travel there. Multiplied by the number of months I have to rest before the baby isn’t as delicate enough to travel. That and I grab the tissue.

I got social media and a blog. Thank God for Facebook, Twitter, WordPress, Pinterest. At least I have a spot on the wall to pour out my feelings whether vaguely or literally. I might’ve been insane right now if it ain’t for them. The people who really care for you would understand and somehow you have people to talk to – even if its not a straight conversation. It kills homesickness a little.

Avril, Pink, James Morrison, Paramore, Katy Perry. When the noise and annoyance becomes intolerable, I cram my ears with my noise-proof earphones and blast some music on. That or I blast on the speakers to get back at the neighbors who have their fair amount of noise pollution.

Air-conditioning is a life-saver! I might have died without an AC! I was hesitant at first because of the increase in electric bill we would surely incur. But you wouldn’t mind the additional PhP500.00 if you could sleep soundly, be a little bit more comfortable than your usual sweaty self, and feel like you’re not located in an equatorial region in this world.

Less than 50 days now and we’d be holding our first family member. Time really flies by so fast. And maybe before we know it, we’d be moving somewhere where God has planned. Maybe He gave me the 8 things I mentioned above to really bear with the challenges, so we could save while we can, think and plan more wisely. Knowing our plans by next year, it still seems overwhelming. And I know we might not accomplish everything that easily. But I know His plans ALWAYS turn out way better than we could ever imagine it to be.

IN JUST ONE DAY: Statuses that could’ve flooded my Facebook and Twitter wall…

To spare flooding social media walls… These are my random thoughts… If only it won’t seem weird talking to walls…

1. Cebu weather is terrible this last quarter. I miss the dampness of Cavite.
2. Would like to go to oDesk Contractor Meetup Day tomorrow… Hope there’s free lunch!
3. I want to buy Christmas lights and decorate. But I don’t think the Christmas season fits the weather in here… 😦
4. Feels like I ate something raw and huge. And its struggling in my digestive tract. #7monthspregnant
5. I wonder if having no social life is to my advantage or not. Guess I’m avoiding unnecessary expenses. But not having the liberty to BUY on a whim makes me sad too…
6. Miss having lots of creative people in arms length to talk to…
7. I feel like today’s US elections would drastically affect tomorrow’s Forex! Hoping for higher $ value!!!
8. Ironic how cold it was this overcast morning. Then there’s hot wind blowing from behind me now… 😦
9. The problem with having a limited social circle is spending most of your time on social media and getting satisfied with a few comments on your posts… =_=
10. Nearly the end of the year. Missing giveaways from the office, suppliers, friends and family… Really those calendars and planners!
11. WHAT TO EAT!!!??? #lunchtime
12. I may need another workstation soon.
13. Will attend oDesk Contractors Meet-Up tomorrow! J Kinda excited to go out!
14. So many lists to make: grocery list, needed office supplies list, questions to ask doc list, oDesk open forum question list.
15. At the end of the day… this could’ve been my 15^th status update. HOW ANNOYING!
16. And I even forgot to mention that Obama got re-elected! Looking forward to higher USD exchange tomorrow. 🙂

 …Nao do you think I need to find a dog at least to converse with?

Taligsik blues

Taligsik – the Cebuano term for ambon (Tagalog) or rain shower in English.

Yes it finally showered here in Cebu and we’re enjoying the cool temperature. I’m missing our queen size bed big time! The clouds gave in after weeks of overcast skies. I’m glad though, that it didn’t rain madly.

I’m on my 15th week of pregancy or on my 3rd month. And still, I suffer from fatigue and nausea even after just a few hours of trip to the hospital. Accidentally sliding down the stairs 2 days ago made worried parents out of Mr. H and I. This afternoon, there was a wash of relief as I heard Baby’s heartbeat on the Doppler, loud and then fainting, and then crazy again. He’s swimming a lot in my tummy. 🙂

…

Behind the mild trickling on the roof, I was wishing I could’ve shared this moment with people back home in Cavite. Mr. H and I would’ve been accompanied by Betty and Budoy – our pet dogs at home. My aunt next door would’ve whipped some warm macaroni soup. There would be freshly brewed kapeng Amadeo on the coffeemaker, and I’d be wearing socks. We’d be lying on the sofa and relish on movie replays on cable.

We would’ve been indulging with the subtle calmness and melodic rhythm of this rainy season.

Later, I’ll stir up some Milo before climbing upstairs. I’ll be spoiling my husband with a dry bath and probably keep work pending til tomorrow. INDULGE. Probably my favorite word of the day. And I’ll indulge with today’s whole day taligsik!

Happy weekend everyone! 🙂

A whole new world.

Facebook Status – Monday, July 9, 2012

seven months after, i feel as if i’m totally a different person in different place. all the stress, hate and angst are part of a history that only made me see things in a larger perspective. and its a whole new world!

Could not have felt how time flew by so fast…

My last WP entry was May. And by then there were so many interesting turn of events I wanted to write about. In fact I have my list:

1. 20 Reasons why I love Cebu – sprung after an American Expat was criticized for hosting a controversial video; I was also intending this to be a comparison of Cebu-Manila and Cavite in terms of implementing social order, traffic management, politics, affordability of commodities and lifestyles.
2. 20 Reasons why I hate Cebu – inspired to be, well, an express of support to that American Expat who spoke what’s grossly true about our state.
3. Promoting slavery in the corporate world – after how I found out that one of the companies I applied for had pending labor lawsuits and how we should fight for what we deserve in this business called life.
4. A trip to Cebu City Hall – noting how a city hall should look like a city hall and how happy I was from the Cebu City Government’s public service. No irate government employee encountered!
5. Things I miss from Dasma – mainly the food, some family culture and just being home

In the past months, we followed the historic impeachment of the Chief Justice of the Philippines, watched Mon Tulfo beaten to a pulp by the Santiago gang, how Pacman was ROBBED of his title, got elated and then bored at how ABS-CBN is prolonging Walang Hanggan, missed the ASPIN Day held at Plaza Independencia. I mentally took note of details, saved pictures and planned at how I’ll make time each day to write about everything.

Then came a surprise for me and Mr. H. We found ourselves pregnant with our first baby! And yes, I’m on my third month as of this writing.

I wouldn’t want to blame it on the baby, but the morning sickness and a multitude of pregnancy ‘norms’ I’m experiencing until now, kept me from working comfortably time. Its not an excuse that I sleep longer and more frequent than usual. I feel tired if I can’t. The horrible moments of puking and loss of appetite almost drove me nuts. Thank God I have such generous in-laws who send us supplies of fresh fish, vegetables and tasty lechon!

But the ultimate gift is having a husband who’s dedicated in supporting me all throughout the cravings, left-overs, running errands on a whim, cooking and washing the dishes especially when I detest the smell of food around. I could not have been more happy that I’m married. ^_^

It must be really God’s fate on how we’re keeping up with our lives…

Our pregnancy is an added toll at how we’re still establishing our business. We have larger bills to pay with the company’s overhead costs, my prenatal care, lab tests, vitamins and supplements. We’ve been quite frantic when we’re busy, double so when we’re not having sales. I’m still working as a freelance graphics designer while my pregnancy hormones are keeping everything in my physique unstable.

In spite of these, we still have time to watch Prime Time Kapamilya (lolx), splurge gastronomically on our wedding monthsary, watch downloaded movies before bedtime, fool around in bed and laugh at the silly things we notice from each other. And no, we’re not taking life as a joke. In fact, we’re looking forward to the birth of our baby. We have this virtual procurement plan for him/her through improvements with our business combined with my freelance earnings. We’re excited to show him/her off to family and friends and welcome him home.

Its really a whole new world, and I could not have imagined surviving if life wasn’t miraculously setup this way now. The rush of temper is often controlled now. In fact, I haven’t been agitated for quite a while – everything seemed forgiveable. Although I do miss nagging at some delinquent people at times, everything seemed so in the past.

And next month, we’re going to revisit that place, not to recollect history, but GORGE. YES GORGE IN FOOD! I’m so craving for home-made food back home!